Day 6

It’s like a groaning, a moaning. An unpleasant twisting up of my spirit’s, my soul. It’s a feeling that is not attached to an emotion or thought, nothing has happened to make me feel this way, and yet I feel like I am in pain, like I am mourning something. I feel like something was lost, something that is important. That’s it, it’s the sense of loss. The worst part of it is that I don’t know why I feel this way, so I can’t even confront or deal with it. It just does not feel good, and sits in my soul like an un moving rock, a lump. It does not budge, and somehow I know, I will be sad, I will feel this odd sense of loss for as long as it takes, I can’t think or hope it away. It is going to stay. It will keep me on edge, I won’t be able to get anything done, but I won’t be able to sleep either. I will feel wrestles for a while. How do I know? I have felt like this before. Not many time’s but a few. Once or twice I found out later that something was lost, other times I never knew what could have left my life to leave me in such odd agonizing yet hallow pain. But I do know it will last. It can last from a few hours to several days and there will be no peace, I will suffer until it ends.  Sometimes I feel like I need to pray, but when I do I feel like I should not, and that I am just supposed to listen and let myself feel this pain. No matter what I do, there is never quick relief from this kind of feeling.

I am not being punished by God, I know that. But I still never really know the reason for this, this odd wrestles sadness.